This post might get a bit more personal than others. If you’re not into that sort of thing, skip this one.
I spoke a few days ago with a very good friend about nothing in particular, when we came upon the topic of doing things while you have the time to do them. I’ve puttered around with a novel or two; making progress but never finishing. It’s always been a trait of mine (as I’m sure it’s a trait of many people) that I have difficulty finishing what I start. Well, not difficulty exactly, but my mind always finds a way to make sure that I do anything but finish that thing.
It’s pretty sickening. If that doesn’t describe you, I envy you. But I’m also perfectly aware that I’m a grown-up with agency and shit, and I actually control what I do. The first step of doing something isn’t just thinking about wanting to do that thing. The first step is FUCKING DOING IT. I’ve thought about wanting to do many things, and most of those things have ended up not being done. It’s fine to daydream, but you’re no closer to your goal unless you start actually physically doing. Every day you think about doing something without taking measurable steps towards doing it is a day that you didn’t do anything. It’s just a day closer to your death.
Which brings me to the conversation with my friend. I had brought up a disease that runs in my family which affected my grandmother and father (I might go into specifics later, but I’d rather not right now). My grandmother died so young because of the disease that I never met her. My father also died young because of it, and I miss him terribly. I’m not sure if I carry this disease, but I’m going to live my life as if I do. My friend told me that if I am doomed to die young as well, I don’t have many years left to write (or make, or do). She’s right.
I might be gone in ten years because of that damn disease. So what the hell am I doing on reddit or watching tv? Wasting time, watching potential zip past me while I yawn. If I keep it up, I’ll yawn myself straight into oblivion. That’s not what I want my life to be. I need to do the thing I will be proud of. I will write a book. I will make great beer. I will be with friends.
So what about you? Are you going to outlive me? Are you sure?