Big Bad News

So, turns out I’m getting a divorce.  Still in the middle of all the paperwork and legal stuff, so I’m not going to get into details or try to demonize my ex.  It’s shitty for everyone involved and I wish it weren’t happening, but I gotta deal.

When I initially told people, friends and family came out of the woodwork to support me.  It’s good to know there are still people I can count on.  I’m forever grateful, because I would be in a very dark place without them.  I’m still relying on them, and I’m not ashamed to ask them for help.  I’ve decided this is not the time to be a stoic loner.  I’ve been knocked low, and this exact situation is one of the main purposes of friendship.  I’m so glad to have them, and I hope they know how much they mean to me.  I’ve told them, but I hope they, you know, get it.

It’s so strange to think of the rest of my life without her.  I reacted in the same way I would have reacted if she had just suddenly died.  Except I still get texts from her sometimes.  It’s such a mindfuck, and I’m doing everything I can to craft a brand-new life.  Again, it’s hard because she’s still there.  I can’t just turn off my old feelings that I had about her, but they’ve been tainted with anger and frustration.  Sometimes I miss her so much that I’m tempted to call her up, but I’m afraid of what I might say if I did that.  So instead I just try to distract myself from thinking about her.  If I can’t do that, I go to the gym and exhaust myself until I go home and pass out on the bed.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this blog post.  I guess I want to just put it out there.  My pain and anger and deep sadness.  I don’t hate her, and I genuinely wish her well.  But I don’t know if I can ever talk to her again.

Fuck.