The Mistake Store

I work at the Mistake Store.

Want to buy candy?  Want to buy sugary sodas?  How about chips or pizza or hot dogs?  We’ve got that.  Cheeseburgers fresh out of the microwave!  It doesn’t even cross your mind, but you’re now one step closer to heart disease and / or diabeetus.

Do you want to get alcohol in your body, but you want to skip all that troublesome “tasting?”  We’ve got oil-drum sized cans of disgusting industrially-made “beer” and “malt beverage”.  Or, if you’re in a real hurry, we have liter bottles of bottom shelf vodka.  Usually, vodka is supposed to be tasteless, but the makers of this brand made sure to keep in a trace amount of the fermentation by-products because the hangover the next day is just your reminder to buy more.  If you drink fast enough, you can’t hear your liver screaming!

And we can’t forget the things you put in your mouth and then set on fire.  So many different flavors to choose from.  There’s the menthols, the blueberry, the grape, the wine.  There’s the ‘American Spirits’, because all the other brands you set on fire in your mouth are bad for you.  This brand is all natural, so it’s okay if you put it in your mouth and set it on fire.  Makes you feel good inside, no matter which brand you buy.  So good, you might grow a new friend right there in your lungs!

Finally, there’s the lottery.  You have just as much chance as anyone else to win, right?  You can grab some numbers out of thin air and then wait in front of the TV to see if the ping-pong balls of fate decide to grant you your fortune.  Or you could get a ticket to play a “game” to scratch off a thin layer of schmutz with your “lucky nickel”.  The entirety of the “game” is: Hey Look! Numbers!  Also, be sure to use that “lucky nickel” to scratch off twenty tickets while I watch, and subsequently win nothing at all, and then rationalize why your “lucky nickel” didn’t work that time.

Any kind of mistake you want, we got it.  We’ll keep the coffee warm for you.